In the early stages of a breakup, it’s easy to focus only on the positives—on what you’re losing: the love, the connection, the children, the family holidays, the home, the fun times, the laughs. Big occasions like Christmas, birthdays, Easter, weddings, and family parties all dominate your thoughts. You’re blinded by them.

What’s harder to see is the bad—unless you’re the one ending things. Then, perhaps, that’s all you notice. You don’t look back at the good times.

Only once the cloud lifts do you start to see things clearly. That’s when the bad comes into focus. Early on, there are glimpses—small warnings you tell yourself to help move on—but it’s only at the very end, when you truly acknowledge it, that you can start to detach.

I’ve shared my experiences before, so I won’t repeat them here. What I want to highlight now is the clarity that comes after. While you’re in a relationship like that, you notice red flags. You sense how you’re being treated, how confusing things get—but the full picture remains hidden. Only in the aftermath does it all make sense. When you finally leave, however that happens, don’t beat yourself up for not realising sooner.

Growing up, I witnessed my parents shouting, screaming, even physically fighting. That’s trauma I’ve carried without fully acknowledging it. So, when I lived through an abusive relationship, I swore I’d never allow that for myself. It’s easy to say—but until you live it, you don’t understand how quietly it can creep in.

I wasn’t innocent in that relationship. I made mistakes—I raised my voice in front of the kids. I can make excuses, say I was gaslit, and yes, I was. But I’ll never forgive myself for allowing the kids to witness it. That’s not what I wanted for them. I’d be lying if I said every time I raised my voice it was because I was being gaslit—I can’t say for certain. In those moments, you don’t even know your own mind, so every altercation feels confusing.

Before her, I rarely raised my voice at all. In my previous marriage, I can say with certainty I only ever did once. But she had a way of turning me into someone I wasn’t, drawing out the worst in me, then blaming me, belittling me, making me doubt myself, and layering on guilt.

That version of myself she brought out—was it always there? Was it a hangover from my childhood? I don’t know. What I do know is I don’t like it. It’s not who I’ve ever been, and it’s not the person I ever want to be again.

So, even if there were an opportunity to go back to her, I couldn’t take it. She brings out that side of me. Whether she does it intentionally or unconsciously doesn’t matter. That dynamic made the relationship unhealthy. She cannot change who she is, and those patterns will continue into her future relationships. She probably doesn’t even recognise them in herself, so she won’t seek help.

If she read this, I’d probably just be dismissed as a bitter ex—and that’s fine. Her problems aren’t mine anymore.

The more I learn about narcissistic personality disorder, the more I see our relationship reflected in it. The more I see her.

Specifically –

Source; Google Gemini

Covert narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a subtype of NPD characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, but with a more introverted, passive-aggressive, and even seemingly shy presentation. Unlike overt narcissists who seek attention and validation through grandiosity, covert narcissists often display a facade of humility, sensitivity, or even victimhood, masking their underlying need for admiration and control. 

Key Characteristics of Covert Narcissism:

• Subtle Grandiosity:

While overt narcissists are openly boastful and attention-seeking, covert narcissists may express their sense of superiority through passive-aggressive behaviours, subtle put-downs, or by presenting themselves as misunderstood or underappreciated. 

• Hypersensitivity and Vulnerability:

Covert narcissists are often highly sensitive to criticism and rejection, leading them to withdraw from social situations or to react with passive-aggressive behaviours when feeling slighted. 

• Passive-Aggressive Behaviour:

Instead of direct confrontation, they use indirect methods like silent treatment, subtle sabotage, or manipulation to get their needs met and control others. 

• Envy and Resentment:

They frequently experience envy towards others’ achievements and possessions, and may believe that others are envious of them, especially when they don’t receive the attention or validation they crave. 

• Hidden Feelings of Inadequacy:

Underlying their need for admiration is a deep-seated sense of inadequacy and shame, which they try to compensate for through various strategies. 

• Emotional Fragility:

They are often emotionally fragile and struggle with feelings of emptiness, depression, and anxiety. 

• Need for Control:

While less overt than overt narcissists, covert narcissists still have a strong need to control situations and people around them, often using guilt or manipulation to achieve their goals. 

Recognising Covert Narcissism:

• Subtle Grandiosity:

Look for subtle displays of arrogance, such as belittling others’ accomplishments or constantly highlighting their own perceived talents or victimhood. 

• Passive-Aggressive Behaviour:

Pay attention to indirect expressions of anger, such as the silent treatment, sarcasm, or subtle sabotage. 

• Emotional Sensitivity:

Observe how they react to criticism or perceived slights – do they withdraw, become defensive, or respond with passive-aggressive behaviour? 

• Envy and Resentment:

Notice if they frequently express envy of others or believe others are envious of them, especially when they don’t receive the attention or validation they desire. 

• Need for Control:

Observe their attempts to manipulate or control situations and people, often disguised as helpfulness or concern.