As if to remind me that healing isn’t linear, today has been a spiralling kind of day.

I woke up this morning and did a couple of posts on TikTok. Before long, my feed was awash with heartbreak quotes and advice. Normally, I reset it by ignoring those clips, skipping quickly and engaging with the more positive content. But something in me didn’t want to do that today. I ended up wallowing in it, letting myself slide deeper down the rabbit hole. And if you use TikTok, you’ll know just how deep those holes can go.

After a while, I realised what I was doing and took a step away. I went to see a friend and felt a little better. When I got home, I made a drink, went into the garden and enjoyed the nice weather. For a while, I was fine. But eventually, I came back in and—almost without noticing—I was back on the app, scrolling again.

I think the reason today spiralled is that I just didn’t have enough distractions. When I used distractions, I was fine. When I didn’t, the spiral found me.

And yet, I’m not being hard on myself. I know days like this are going to happen. I don’t feel crushed or broken by it—my mood is pretty neutral, actually. I can even balance it against the fact that I had a great day on Saturday. Me, my daughter and her girlfriend went to a BBQ. I drank too much, came home tipsy, played knock and run on my neighbour (a friend), and went to bed laughing. It was a good day. Maybe today was just the natural runoff from that, especially after the alcohol, even though there was no hangover.

What’s important is that I understand the reasoning behind it, and that means I can hold perspective. It will pass. And every time it does happen, it’s always a little less bad than the last. That’s progress.

Since I changed the blog URL, I’ve also felt a massive sense of relief. Closing off the last channel she had to get her supply has been a game changer. I’ve reclaimed my safe space. Journalling was a good temporary outlet, but it never felt the same as putting the words out there into the ether, sharing them openly.

So today was a spiral—but a softer one, less sharp than before. Healing isn’t linear, but it is forward.