Is it just me, or is it strange that she was (or is still) reading my blog? That she still makes references to me on her social media.

For someone who claims to be over me, who insists she’s “upgraded,” why is she still focused on me? I know why I’m still posting — I was the one who got hurt, the one left behind for someone else, the one who had to deal with the fallout. Of course I’m still hurting. Of course I need to vent. That’s natural.

But if she’s truly fine with her choices, then be fine. Stop looking at me. Right?

Except she can’t. And it’s not because she loves me — she never did. It’s because she still needs to maintain some form of attachment, to keep me as supply. That only reinforces what I already believe. If she were secure in her decisions, she wouldn’t need to keep rewriting the narrative or justifying her actions.

Meanwhile, I’m still untangling my own mind. Last night and today, I’ve had this overwhelming urge to contact her. I won’t — I know better than that — but the urge is there. That’s the trauma bond at work: the part of me that still longs for closure I’ll never get. The illogical part that just wants a hug, wants to wake up and find this was all just a bad dream.

But it wasn’t a dream. It happened. And as much as it hurts, she was never the person I thought she was. It was all an illusion. The moment I stopped playing her game, the moment she realised she couldn’t control me anymore, she started planning her exit — grooming her new supply. Once she had him hooked, I was surplus to requirements.

The truth is, narcissists never fully let go. They discard, but they don’t detach. They have to leave a channel open, some line of control. For so long, she maintained an incredible level of control over me — something I talked about in a previous post: Calling It What It Was – Abuse. But in the end, she was the one who couldn’t be trusted.

She still plays the victim, but let’s look at the reality. Let’s even pretend she didn’t cheat — pretend emotional cheating doesn’t count. Ignore the fact she admitted to messaging him for two weeks before we broke up. Forget all that.

Even then… within days of our breakup, she was messaging him: “Alright, when do you want me?” Within days! Does that sound like the behaviour of someone devastated by the breakdown of their marriage? Since then, she’s been to see him, she maintains… whatever it is they have, and she parades around like she’s fine, like she’s happier, like she’s living her best life.

Are these the actions of someone who was the victim of abuse, as she claims? Because that doesn’t track to me. Not at all.

And then there’s my reality. I’m broken. I’m not healed. I’m still piecing my life back together. I don’t think I’ll be ready to move on with anyone else for a long time — maybe ever. Trust feels impossible right now. My life feels like it’s been shattered.

Sure, I’m through the very worst of it. I have more good days than bad. But that doesn’t mean I’m “over it.” Maybe I never will be, not fully.